I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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