I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
