his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Randomize
