So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
