she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
