Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
