Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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