And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
