i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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