I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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