I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
