I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
