ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
