that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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