Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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