yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
