and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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