Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
