Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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