peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
