i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
