VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
