I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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