**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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