Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you had me at cake vodka
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
