I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I have aggressive nipples.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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