my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
bring money and cleavage
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
