I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
