Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
