not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
