I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
