Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
