Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
