So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
this beer tastes like vomit already
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
