made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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