I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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