im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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