Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
