He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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