If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
