and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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