I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
