I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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