i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
