this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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