It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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