the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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