She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
