his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
