Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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