Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
