is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
