My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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