I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
